Coffee for Prison

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Today's featured writing is a brand new story about coffee in prison.

Coffee for Prison

It was a wake at the Mayberry funeral home where dozens of mourners came to pay their last respects to sweet Matilda, who passed away at the ripe old age of ninety-nine years old. In the chapel; immediate relatives stood near the casket to greet those who were lined up to view their beloved departed.

Standing in the lobby was a large group of additional family and friends who engaged in idle chat of recent events or family updates. One such topic that was brought up was the recent return from prison of Dan, or Psycho Dan—as some people preferred to call him. And surely he was there at the funeral home with everyone else.

“Hey where's Danny at?” finally asked Dan's great uncle, Frank. "Didn't he just get out of jail?"

"Psycho Dan?” clarified another family member. "Oh he's here alright! He's in the kitchen, over by the coffee."

"In the kitchen down the hall?" further probed great Uncle Frank. "Well I'm going to have to go over there and see how he's doing. It's been a while since I've seen him." Then great Uncle Frank looked over to his nearby great nephew, Scott, and invited him to join him. "Come on, Scotty, let's go over and talk to Danny; see what he's up to now that he's out of jail."

As reported by family members, Psycho Dan was in the nearby small kitchen which contained a number of baked goods that had been provided by fellow mourners along with refreshments, one of these refreshments being coffee. And just as people had reported, Psycho Dan was standing near the coffee— actually standing over it and appearing to guard it.

"Danny?" called out great Uncle Frank as he entered the small kitchen with Psycho Dan's younger cousin, Scott.

"Uncle Frank!" shouted Psycho Dan. "Long time no see!" Rather than rush over to greet his Uncle Frank, Psycho Dan remained near the coffee as-if it were his duty to guard it.

Uncle Frank approached the refreshments table. "So how long has it been? I heard they let you out early for good behavior."

"Six years, eight months and nine days." answered Psycho Dan while finally embracing his great uncle. "And who is this little snot you've got with you?" he asked while messing up Scott's hair. "The last time I saw you, you had just started grammar school." Psycho Dan's cousin was now in seventh grade and had grown considerably since reporting to prison nearly seven years ago. But he was finally out, and it was time to catch up with family.

"You want some coffee?" offered Psycho Dan to great Uncle Frank.

"Sure..." agreed great Uncle Frank. "Black with one packet of Sweet 'N Low."

"Okay... one coffee with Sweet 'N Low coming up!" announced Psycho Dan. "And how about you?—you little snot?" teased Psycho Dan. "You want some coffee, too?"

"No, I'm good." answered Scott.

"Hey, Danny?" began to ask great Uncle Frank. "You're not standing here in the kitchen and pouring coffee for everyone, are you? Why don't you come out to the lobby and visit everyone? And did you see Matilda?"

"Oh I already saw Matilda, Uncle Frank." answered Psycho Dan. "And I'm fine over here in the kitchen." He handed the cup of coffee to great Uncle Frank.

"Well was that your job in prison?" probed great Uncle Frank. "We're you supposed to serve everyone coffee?"

Just then Psycho Dan's father, George, entered kitchen and overheard his uncle's question to Psycho Dan. "Yeah, that was his job in prison." he informed his uncle. "Ever since he came home, he's sat near the kitchen counter and made sure that the coffee pot has fresh coffee in it. He pours coffee for all of us and any guests who visits. I guess his special job in prison was to make and guard the coffee throughout the day."

"It was more than a job." argued Psycho Dan to his father. "It was an honorable duty; a duty that I had earned. I wonder who's taken my spot now that I'm gone."

"Bah, don't worry about who's taken your job!" urged great Uncle Frank. "You're out of jail, now. You've got a new lease on life. Forget about the special job you had while in prison!"

As Psycho Dan stood there with everyone; a man entered the kitchen and fixed a plate of goodies for himself and his wife. Then he approached the coffee pot and a reached for a Styrofoam cup.

"Whoa, whoa!" exclaimed Psycho Dan. "I've got that, okay!" He blocked the Styrofoam coffee cups with his muscular, tattooed forearm and then glared at the man with menacing eyes.

"Well can have some coffee?" asked the man in an irritated tone of voice.

Psycho Dan wasn't going to make it easy. "Well weren't you here about a half hour ago for some coffee?"

"Yes I was.” he answered. “Is that a problem?"

"Well where's your Styrofoam cup?" asked Psycho Dan.

"I threw it out." answered the man.

"You threw... your cup... out???" asked Psycho Dan as-if it were a crime.

Psycho Dan's father, George, finally broke in. "Alright, that's enough! Let the man have some coffee for cripes sake!" He was about to reach for a Styrofoam cup but was blocked by his son's muscular, tattooed forearm.

"I've got this, Dad!" He looked back with menacing eyes at the man who simply wished to help himself to a cup of coffee. "So you want some coffee, huh? Well no problem." He poured coffee into a fresh Styrofoam cup. "No problem at all... We can definitely do that."

"Umm… is there some kind of shortage of coffee in this place?" asked the man with a queer expression on his face.

"No, there's no shortage." reassured Psycho Dan. "We've got plenty of coffee."

"So then I guess it's just your job to stand there and harass everyone while serving coffee for the afternoon?"

"And what if it is?" threatened Psycho Dan. "Do you have a problem with it?"

"That's enough!" warned George to his son. "Now give him the cup of coffee!"

Psycho Dan wouldn't budge. He stood still like a statue with Styrofoam cup in his thick hand.

"Give him his coffee, now!" demanded George.

Reluctantly, Psycho Dan handed the cup of coffee over as his father ordered. The man then stormed out of the kitchen which left Psycho Dan alone with his father, great uncle and nephew.

"Listen..." began George to his son. "...Why don't you get away from the coffee pot and come out to the lobby to visit everyone. You look really stupid just standing there and guarding the coffee pot with your life. Now you're out of prison. You can forget whatever duty is that you had there. It's time to join the civilized world. What do you say?"

Psycho Dan stared at the coffee pot and then looked over to his father. "I'm fine, Dad. I don't need to go out and visit everyone."

Disgusted, George threw his hands in the air; turned around and stormed out of the kitchen.

"He just doesn't get it." complained Psycho Dan to his great uncle and nephew. "I had a very, important duty during my time spent in prison. You see; one of the things you have to do once you check into prison is join a gang. The gang members actually look out for each other. It's not like the different gangs are at war with each other. Really, everyone gets along. It's just that certain rules need to be put in place for everyone to follow in prison. One of them pertains to coffee."

Psycho Dan further explained, "Now in prison, coffee isn’t regularly supplied to inmates. Prisoners are served one cup of instant coffee for breakfast which really sucks. But you can pretty much get anything you want in prison if you have outside sources to bring it in. And it just so happened that members of my gang had a supplier of fresh coffee beans. We controlled the coffee. And it was my job to watch over the coffee while out in the prison yard each day.

How do you suppose I got this job? Well it was my initiation into the gang. I asked if I could join, and someone noticed that I'm big and muscular. I was told that the only position they had open for the time was coffee guard. The person who used to do it had finally been released from prison.

I was like, 'Yeah, sure I'll do it.'

Then I was told what I needed to do for initiation. I had to drink three pots of coffee in less than an hour; after which I was brought into the restroom and given a coffee enema. I don't know if either of you had one of these, but they clean your colon out pretty good.

So there I was; all jacked up on three pots off coffee, and desperately wanting to take a massive shit. But I couldn't shit until I found this member of another gang who had recently been starting trouble. I had to go and beat him up—teach him a good lesson for everyone in the prison. He was some big, Filipino guy with a mean look on his face. The guy had muscle, but everything was loose and baggy. It looked like he had tits. Still, the guy was really strong and really tough. I had to beat the guy up and prove that I was worthy to join the gang that I wanted to join. Obviously I succeeded, and I ran to the bathroom to take the shit of my life. I passed the initiation and was given the duty of coffee guard. That's why it pisses me off when my dad tells me to step away from the coffee pot. It's not that easy."

Great Uncle Frank interrupted. "But, Danny, you're out of prison, now. It's time to leave all of that behind you. What about a job? Have you started looking for a job?"

Just then, an attractive forty-something brunette with pretty brown eyes approached the refreshments table. She was about to reach for a Styrofoam coffee cup.

"Well, well, well; what do we have here?" exclaimed Psycho Dan in a sweet tone of voice. It looks like this lady wants some coffee. I can get that for you."

"Thank you!" acknowledged the woman.

"One cup of coffee for the lady with pretty eyes." commented Psycho Dan.

The woman did her best to hold back her smile. Although appreciating what was said, it just wasn't right to be complimented by a stranger at a wake—especially when married with husband out in the hallway.

"So do you want some cream and sugar with that, sweet stuff?" asked Psycho Dan.

Then again, maybe it wasn't so bad to accept a little flirting from the nice man at the coffee pot. It had been while since the woman felt this way. Her face beamed as she answered in a friendly tone of voice. "Two creams and two sugars."

"As if you weren't already sweet enough." commented Psycho Dan. He looked up towards her while stirring the cup. "See, you like all of that nice talk.—don't you? I bet you don't get enough compliments from your husband. I bet he takes you for granted and totally forgets what a beautiful wife he has. Well I'm definitely not like that. You see, I just got out of prison—spent six years, eight months and nine days in the cell. And let me tell you that there weren't beautiful women like you in that place. So if you ever feel like you're not getting enough compliments from your husband, just look me up, okay?"

Now it just so happened that the woman's husband was the man who had been in the kitchen a few minutes ago; the same man who Psycho Dan got into an argument with. Realizing that his wife was now in the kitchen, he felt it was best to see if everything was okay. And he walked in just as Psycho Dan lay on the unnecessary invitation to look him up if every lacking compliments from her husband.

"Hey, that's my wife you're talking to!" exploded the now outraged man.

"Yeah? Well what are you going to do about it?" challenged Psycho Dan. So unbelievable; he actually stepped away from the coffee pot and approached the man, fully prepared to fight.

But rather than come down to Psycho Dan's level, the man simply ordered to his wife. "Come on, let's go."

"She's going nowhere!" declared Psycho Dan.

"I don’t think I asked you!" returned the outraged man before repeating to his wife. "Let's go... now!"

"Well I've had just about enough of you!" announced Psycho Dan. With his thick hand and muscular, tattooed forearm; he took a swing at the man's face. Then he threw a second punch into the man's bleeding face before jabbing him in the stomach.

The assaulted man’s wife screamed, but secretly enjoyed the excitement.

Great Uncle Frank said to his nephew, "Well, Scotty, it looks like your cousin Danny can get his old job back in prison.

The End!