Hello All,
The rules of society have changed as far as courtesy is concerned. What do I mean by that? Let’s say your neighbor started a party on Sunday afternoon, but it is now Monday morning at 1:30 am and there are a few heavy partiers still lighting fireworks, and listening to loud music. You need to get up for work early, and as far as you remember, it was courteous to keep the noise down to a minimum after 10:00 pm so people can sleep. If you go to your neighbor’s house to ask him to please keep it down, you are now being the rude person! In today’s society, you are being self-centered by expecting a great party to keep it down after 10:00 pm!
Or, suppose you and your spouse go to a nice, expensive restaurant one evening and at one of the tables nearby is a couple who brought their two-year-old son who has been screaming and crying the entire dinner. The other couple doesn’t seem to be doing anything to keep the child quiet and if this were McDonald’s it would be okay to bring a noisy child to dinner. But as far as you remember, it was courteous to at least quiet down or remove a screaming child from the table at an expensive restaurant. If you complain or expect the other couple to do something about the screaming two-year-old, you are being the rude and self-centered person. The rules of society have changed! But I wonder if that same couple, years later, would follow the same rule and be okay with another couple leaving their screaming kid in an expensive restaurant. Or would they now expect some courtesy and expect differently?
I am taking a critical thinking class by a professor who is a clinical psychologist. In a recent lecture, he introduced a concept of EQ which basically over-shadowed the traditional IQ as a measurement for intelligence. I’m not sure if my introduction above has anything to do with EQ, but half-way through the lecture, I was delighted to hear that the 5 characteristics of someone with high EQ matched people with courteous and thoughtful attitudes. It was like a small beacon of light of promise in a world where rudeness prevails… being rude gets results… and people are learning not to care about other people. Today’s column is a summary of the 5 characteristics of high EQ
Forget IQ; It's EQ that Matters Most
For decades, the primary test and measurement for intelligence was the IQ test. The higher your IQ score, the higher your intelligence. IQ measures how fast someone’s brain can process information, memorize series of numbers and answer trivial questions such as “How long did the Civil war last?”, “Who was the 23rd president of the United States?” The theory is if someone can retain that much information and process information at a high speed, then the amount of intelligence must be great.
IQ cannot be developed. You are born with a certain amount of IQ and that is all you are going to have. And as you age, your IQ decreases – unless of course you continue to challenge your brain throughout your lifetime.
Intelligence has been associated with an ability to make money and be successful. So naturally, someone with a high IQ would be considered someone most likely to be successful. Look at the high school yearbooks. They usually have recognitions such as “person most likely to succeed”. These assumptions are usually based on how well the student did in high school.
Define success: we could say it is the ability to be happy. Recently, studies suggest that IQ has absolutely nothing to do with success and personal happiness. The new thinking is that IQ is similar to rating how fast a CPU processes data. A new measurement called EQ (emotional intelligence) just might be the gage that determines how successful and happy someone can be. And guess what? Unlike IQ, EQ can be developed throughout your lifetime! It can also be taught by parents, teachers, and peers.
EQ can be defined as an ability to be aware of ones feelings and emotions as well as the feelings and emotions of other people. With this awareness, someone with high EQ can control his or her actions and ultimately take control of his or her own life.
There are 5 elements of EQ: self awareness, self control, delay of gratification, empathy, and social skills revolving around an awareness of others. The elements can be further classified so that EQ becomes a two-tiered model containing Intrapersonal skills and Interpersonal skills.
Intrapersonal Skills
Self Awareness
Self Control
Delay of Gratification
Interpersonal Skills:
Empathy
Awareness of Others
Self Awareness: A simple thing like paying attention to what is going on inside of you and knowing how it is that you feel can be an important step to developing EQ. Many people are not consciously aware that today “they are a little irked from what the boss said at the meeting”, or “maybe a little nervous about meeting that important client at the end of the week”.
Jill went about the whole day at work being short with some of her co-workers. She never took the time to think that later in the week she had an important sales presentation and was a little nervous and this was manifesting itself by being short with co-workers.
Jane on the other hand was in a really bad mood while driving home from work. She realized that being that she lost an important account for the company, it was making her feel worthless. She actually went home and told her husband of the bad news instead of keeping her feelings buried in her subconscious for them to manifest later.
Self Control: Conquering thoughts or emotions that could create obstacles in attaining happiness and success is another characteristic of someone with high EQ. Okay, you are in a bad mood from work, but do you really need to take it out on the spouse and kids at home?
Some things got John upset at the office today. He knew he had a bad day, but when he went home, he yelled at his wife for not having dinner ready on time and severely scolded his kid for not taking out the garbage. It made for a bad evening.
Steve on the other hand came home from a bad day and made sure he was nice to his family despite the way he felt from work. Being home with his family and keeping things peaceful actually made him feel better before going to bed.
Delay of Gratification: Many people are in tune with instant gratification. The need to seek out pleasure now is a natural human instinct. But a characteristic of high EQ is an ability to put off a pleasurable experience now for a higher cause or reward later.
Jim stops at a local bar on the way home from work and decides to have a few drinks after his long day at work. He knows that he’s been trying to cut back on drinking and promised his wife not to drink heavily – much less drink on a Tuesday afternoon. But once he has a few drinks, he ends up drinking more and gets hammered! How can he conquer his drinking problem without delay of gratification?
Betty on the other hand sticks with her diet despite the fact that her co-workers are all going to Taco Bell for lunch. She would love to pig out on half-dozen tacos and probably more, but she stays at the office and has her brown bag lunch with healthier food.
Empathy: Everyone is born with a natural inclination to be empathetic. If you go to a day care and a child falls down and cries, the other children who come from nurturing environments will surround the crying child to see if he or she is okay. But if the daycare is in an environment where moms and dads are not so nurturing, the other kids will not go to see if the fallen child is okay. In fact, some of the un-nurtured kids will approach the crying child and tell him or her to shut up, even slap the crying child!
Mary comes back to work after grieving the loss of her mother. No sooner does she sit down at her desk, her boss slaps a stack of papers down and tells her the assignments due and to hurry up because they fell behind while she was gone. He never even extended sympathy for the loss of her mother!
Minutes later, some of Mary’s co-workers approach her and extended their sympathies for the loss of her mother. And although Mary refused, her co-workers offered to take some of her assignments so she can catch up and let her know they can help if needed.
Social Skills (being aware of others): You are at a party with a mixed group of people all having different beliefs and values. If you are sensible, you know of the standards and etiquette used when engaging in discussion. You must be considerate of those around you and contemplate whether something you say could upset someone. And I’m sure you’ve seen them, but there are plenty of people out there who don’t do this!
Mark is standing with a group of people at a party and a discussion begins about a recent bank robbery down the street. Because the suspects at large are two black men, Mark makes a comment that if we get rid of all the black people in this country we’ll be better off. He never considered that Susan standing with the group of people had a black husband! And to top it off, her husband was a police officer!
Carl gets up from the table during a dinner with friends and steps outside to take a phone call. Rather than drown out the dinner discussion and gross out his friends with the details of his colonoscopy, he steps outside to quietly discuss the results with his doctor. And no, he doesn’t return talking about the details during dinner!
