Hello All:
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The Tree Goddess is the second book of the Mapleview series and a very enjoyable read.
***
Today's featured writing is a brand new story about coffee in prison.
Coffee for Prison
It was a wake at the Mayberry
funeral home where dozens of mourners came to pay their last respects to sweet
Matilda, who passed away at the ripe old age of ninety-nine years old. In the
chapel; immediate relatives stood near the casket to greet those who were lined
up to view their beloved departed.
Standing in
the lobby was a large group of additional family and friends who engaged in
idle chat of recent events or family updates. One such topic that was brought
up was the recent return from prison of Dan, or Psycho Dan—as some people preferred
to call him. And surely he was there at the funeral home with everyone else.
“Hey where's Danny at?” finally
asked Dan's great uncle, Frank. "Didn't he just get out of jail?"
"Psycho Dan?” clarified
another family member. "Oh he's here alright! He's in the kitchen, over by
the coffee."
"In the kitchen down the
hall?" further probed great Uncle Frank. "Well I'm going to have to
go over there and see how he's doing. It's been a while since I've seen
him." Then great Uncle Frank looked over to his nearby great nephew,
Scott, and invited him to join him. "Come on, Scotty, let's go over and
talk to Danny; see what he's up to now that he's out of jail."
As reported by family members,
Psycho Dan was in the nearby small kitchen which contained a number of baked
goods that had been provided by fellow mourners along with refreshments, one of
these refreshments being coffee. And just as people had reported, Psycho Dan
was standing near the coffee— actually standing over it and appearing to guard
it.
"Danny?" called out
great Uncle Frank as he entered the small kitchen with Psycho Dan's younger
cousin, Scott.
"Uncle Frank!" shouted
Psycho Dan. "Long time no see!" Rather than rush over to greet his Uncle
Frank, Psycho Dan remained near the coffee as-if it were his duty to guard it.
Uncle Frank approached the refreshments
table. "So how long has it been? I heard they let you out early for good
behavior."
"Six years, eight months
and nine days." answered Psycho Dan while finally embracing his great
uncle. "And who is this little snot you've got with you?" he asked
while messing up Scott's hair. "The last time I saw you, you had just
started grammar school." Psycho Dan's cousin was now in seventh grade and
had grown considerably since reporting to prison nearly seven years ago. But he
was finally out, and it was time to catch up with family.
"You want some
coffee?" offered Psycho Dan to great Uncle Frank.
"Sure..." agreed great
Uncle Frank. "Black with one packet of Sweet 'N Low."
"Okay... one coffee with
Sweet 'N Low coming up!" announced Psycho Dan. "And how about you?—you
little snot?" teased Psycho Dan. "You want some coffee, too?"
"No, I'm good."
answered Scott.
"Hey, Danny?" began to
ask great Uncle Frank. "You're not standing here in the kitchen and
pouring coffee for everyone, are you? Why don't you come out to the lobby and
visit everyone? And did you see Matilda?"
"Oh I already saw Matilda,
Uncle Frank." answered Psycho Dan. "And I'm fine over here in the
kitchen." He handed the cup of coffee to great Uncle Frank.
"Well was that your job in
prison?" probed great Uncle Frank. "We're you supposed to serve
everyone coffee?"
Just then Psycho Dan's father,
George, entered kitchen and overheard his uncle's question to Psycho Dan.
"Yeah, that was his job in prison." he informed his uncle. "Ever
since he came home, he's sat near the kitchen counter and made sure that the
coffee pot has fresh coffee in it. He pours coffee for all of us and any guests
who visits. I guess his special job in prison was to make and guard the coffee
throughout the day."
"It was more than a
job." argued Psycho Dan to his father. "It was an honorable duty; a
duty that I had earned. I wonder who's taken my spot now that I'm gone."
"Bah, don't worry about
who's taken your job!" urged great Uncle Frank. "You're out of jail,
now. You've got a new lease on life. Forget about the special job you had while
in prison!"
As Psycho Dan stood there with
everyone; a man entered the kitchen and fixed a plate of goodies for himself
and his wife. Then he approached the coffee pot and a reached for a Styrofoam
cup.
"Whoa, whoa!"
exclaimed Psycho Dan. "I've got that, okay!" He blocked the Styrofoam
coffee cups with his muscular, tattooed forearm and then glared at the man with
menacing eyes.
"Well can have some
coffee?" asked the man in an irritated tone of voice.
Psycho Dan wasn't going to make
it easy. "Well weren't you here about a half hour ago for some
coffee?"
"Yes I was.” he answered. “Is
that a problem?"
"Well where's your Styrofoam
cup?" asked Psycho Dan.
"I threw it out."
answered the man.
"You threw... your cup... out???"
asked Psycho Dan as-if it were a crime.
Psycho Dan's father, George,
finally broke in. "Alright, that's enough! Let the man have some coffee
for cripes sake!" He was about to reach for a Styrofoam cup but was
blocked by his son's muscular, tattooed forearm.
"I've got this, Dad!"
He looked back with menacing eyes at the man who simply wished to help himself
to a cup of coffee. "So you want some coffee, huh? Well no problem."
He poured coffee into a fresh Styrofoam cup. "No problem at all... We can
definitely do that."
"Umm… is there some kind of
shortage of coffee in this place?" asked the man with a queer expression
on his face.
"No, there's no
shortage." reassured Psycho Dan. "We've got plenty of coffee."
"So then I guess it's just
your job to stand there and harass everyone while serving coffee for the
afternoon?"
"And what if it is?"
threatened Psycho Dan. "Do you have a problem with it?"
"That's enough!"
warned George to his son. "Now give him the cup of coffee!"
Psycho Dan wouldn't budge. He
stood still like a statue with Styrofoam cup in his thick hand.
"Give him his coffee, now!"
demanded George.
Reluctantly, Psycho Dan handed
the cup of coffee over as his father ordered. The man then stormed out of the
kitchen which left Psycho Dan alone with his father, great uncle and nephew.
"Listen..." began
George to his son. "...Why don't you get away from the coffee pot and come
out to the lobby to visit everyone. You look really stupid just standing there
and guarding the coffee pot with your life. Now you're out of prison. You can
forget whatever duty is that you had there. It's time to join the civilized world.
What do you say?"
Psycho Dan stared at the coffee
pot and then looked over to his father. "I'm fine, Dad. I don't need to go
out and visit everyone."
Disgusted, George threw his
hands in the air; turned around and stormed out of the kitchen.
"He just doesn't get
it." complained Psycho Dan to his great uncle and nephew. "I had a
very, important duty during my time spent in prison. You see; one of the things
you have to do once you check into prison is join a gang. The gang members
actually look out for each other. It's not like the different gangs are at war
with each other. Really, everyone gets along. It's just that certain rules need
to be put in place for everyone to follow in prison. One of them pertains to
coffee."
Psycho Dan further explained,
"Now in prison, coffee isn’t regularly supplied to inmates. Prisoners are
served one cup of instant coffee for breakfast which really sucks. But you can
pretty much get anything you want in prison if you have outside sources to
bring it in. And it just so happened that members of my gang had a supplier of
fresh coffee beans. We controlled the coffee. And it was my job to watch over
the coffee while out in the prison yard each day.
How do you suppose I got this
job? Well it was my initiation into the gang. I asked if I could join, and someone
noticed that I'm big and muscular. I was told that the only position they had
open for the time was coffee guard. The person who used to do it had finally
been released from prison.
I was like, 'Yeah, sure I'll do
it.'
Then I was told what I needed to
do for initiation. I had to drink three pots of coffee in less than an hour;
after which I was brought into the restroom and given a coffee enema. I don't
know if either of you had one of these, but they clean your colon out pretty
good.
So there I was; all jacked up on
three pots off coffee, and desperately wanting to take a massive shit. But I
couldn't shit until I found this member of another gang who had recently been
starting trouble. I had to go and beat him up—teach him a good lesson for
everyone in the prison. He was some big, Filipino guy with a mean look on his
face. The guy had muscle, but everything was loose and baggy. It looked like he
had tits. Still, the guy was really strong and really tough. I had to beat the
guy up and prove that I was worthy to join the gang that I wanted to join.
Obviously I succeeded, and I ran to the bathroom to take the shit of my life. I
passed the initiation and was given the duty of coffee guard. That's why it
pisses me off when my dad tells me to step away from the coffee pot. It's not
that easy."
Great Uncle Frank interrupted.
"But, Danny, you're out of prison, now. It's time to leave all of that
behind you. What about a job? Have you started looking for a job?"
Just then, an attractive
forty-something brunette with pretty brown eyes approached the refreshments
table. She was about to reach for a Styrofoam coffee cup.
"Well, well, well; what do
we have here?" exclaimed Psycho Dan in a sweet tone of voice. It looks
like this lady wants some coffee. I can get that for you."
"Thank you!" acknowledged
the woman.
"One cup of coffee for the
lady with pretty eyes." commented Psycho Dan.
The woman did her best to hold
back her smile. Although appreciating what was said, it just wasn't right to be
complimented by a stranger at a wake—especially when married with husband out
in the hallway.
"So do you want some cream
and sugar with that, sweet stuff?" asked Psycho Dan.
Then again, maybe it wasn't so
bad to accept a little flirting from the nice man at the coffee pot. It had
been while since the woman felt this way. Her face beamed as she answered in a friendly
tone of voice. "Two creams and two sugars."
"As if you weren't already
sweet enough." commented Psycho Dan. He looked up towards her while
stirring the cup. "See, you like all of that nice talk.—don't you? I bet
you don't get enough compliments from your husband. I bet he takes you for
granted and totally forgets what a beautiful wife he has. Well I'm definitely not
like that. You see, I just got out of prison—spent six years, eight months and
nine days in the cell. And let me tell you that there weren't beautiful women
like you in that place. So if you ever feel like you're not getting enough
compliments from your husband, just look me up, okay?"
Now it just so happened that the
woman's husband was the man who had been in the kitchen a few minutes ago; the
same man who Psycho Dan got into an argument with. Realizing that his wife was
now in the kitchen, he felt it was best to see if everything was okay. And he
walked in just as Psycho Dan lay on the unnecessary invitation to look him up
if every lacking compliments from her husband.
"Hey, that's my wife you're
talking to!" exploded the now outraged man.
"Yeah? Well what are you
going to do about it?" challenged Psycho Dan. So unbelievable; he actually
stepped away from the coffee pot and approached the man, fully prepared to
fight.
But rather than come down to
Psycho Dan's level, the man simply ordered to his wife. "Come on, let's
go."
"She's going nowhere!"
declared Psycho Dan.
"I don’t think I asked you!"
returned the outraged man before repeating to his wife. "Let's go...
now!"
"Well I've had just about
enough of you!" announced Psycho Dan. With his thick hand and muscular,
tattooed forearm; he took a swing at the man's face. Then he threw a second
punch into the man's bleeding face before jabbing him in the stomach.
The assaulted man’s wife
screamed, but secretly enjoyed the excitement.
Great Uncle Frank said to his
nephew, "Well, Scotty, it looks like your cousin Danny can get his old job
back in prison.
The End!