You Shouldn’t Play with Hieroglyphs

You Shouldn’t Play with Hieroglyphs
Originally majoring in anthropology, I focused my degree on Egyptology and Egyptian hieroglyphs. It's an interest I've had since I was a boy when given an ancient Egyptian scarab one year for Christmas. I examined the strange pictures on the bottom of the scarab while wondering what they all meant.
“Nobody knows!” was Mother and Father’s answer.
So I made it my life goal to solve the mystery of the scarab. I fancy myself as a modern day Jean Francois Champollion; the pioneer who deciphered the once undecipherable ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs.
After completing my degree, it was time to turn my studies into a career; but I found out that work as an Egyptologist was far and few between. The only job available at the museum was to pre-rinse the cafeteria pans before loading them in the dishwasher. It was a job that at the time only paid $6.50 per hour. If they opportunity presented itself, eventually I could work my way into maintenance and actually build the displays that showcase ancient instruments and mummies. But it still wouldn't pay very well. Currently I am thinking of turning my attentions towards teaching.
I have a friend who takes an interest in strange things, along with a morbid fascination with the macabre. His home is decorated with frightful things. Among his decor is a native-American mummy hanging over the staircase in his home. He somehow purchased it from an archaeological dig that had been done out in Arizona where a collection of perfectly mummified corpses were preserved in the dry, desert sands.
Anyway, I visited him one afternoon when he and his wife had complained about these strange, paranormal activities happening around the home. It got so bad that they hired a paranormal investigator to come in the home and provide some answers. Nothing out of the ordinary was found.
After hearing their stories, I finally commented and asked if they thought maybe removing the damned corpse from the ceiling of their staircase (which overlooked the family room) would improve things. I pointed out that people with a fascination of the macabre tend to attract strange things like hauntings. But my friend didn't think the mummy or frightful objects had anything to do with the paranormal activities in his home!
My friend soon cracked open a bottle of gin, and we had a few shots while watching TV. Just then, the Antique Road Show came on. I asked my friend if he ever thought his collection of frightful objects could be sold for money. In particular, I asked if he ever checked what the price of his mummy could bring. At that very moment, we mutually decided to bring it to the Antique Road Show! It was the craziest idea. But what made it so pursuable was the fact that the Antique Road Show was coming to Chicago, soon! We all agreed to take the mummy down from the ceiling and place it in a wooden box to bring in for an antique appraiser to examine on the show.
Now the mummy itself doesn't weigh very much. I believe the corpse is that of a child and couldn't weigh more than 60 pounds. But the wooden box with 60 pounds of mummy made it heavier. Packaging such an item is no easy task either. You wonder if it will hold up and withstand possible shifting while in the box.
On the morning of the appearance of the Antique Road Show we started to think that our plan was a bad idea. Fortunately, my friend brought along his bottle of gin and we all had a few shots before getting out of the truck and carrying the box into the building.
We never made it to an appraiser, but the mummy sure caused a scene! You see, there was a long line of people bringing in boxes and suitcases of their antique junk which needed to be inspected by security. When it was finally our turn, we were asked of the contents of the box in which my friend had replied that it was the 10,000 year old mummy of a native American child dug up in the Arizona desert. The box was opened and the security guard's jaw dropped!
Screams could be heard from people. Some crazy lady kept yelling that we had a mummy in the box and that it was so ugly. The security guard sternly told us that we could not bring something like that in the building and ordered us to remove it from the premises.
I really hoped I could solve the problem of my friend's paranormal activities by having the mummy sold; but after the incident, it continues to be hung over the staircase of their home.

Coffee for Prison

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Hello All:
I almost forgot! This week is the big week that Amazon Kindle offers The Tree Goddess for only 99 cents. Don't miss out on this promotion! The Tree Goddess is the second book of the Mapleview series and a very enjoyable read.
***
Today's featured writing is a brand new story about coffee in prison.

Coffee for Prison

It was a wake at the Mayberry funeral home where dozens of mourners came to pay their last respects to sweet Matilda, who passed away at the ripe old age of ninety-nine years old. In the chapel; immediate relatives stood near the casket to greet those who were lined up to view their beloved departed.

Standing in the lobby was a large group of additional family and friends who engaged in idle chat of recent events or family updates. One such topic that was brought up was the recent return from prison of Dan, or Psycho Dan—as some people preferred to call him. And surely he was there at the funeral home with everyone else.

“Hey where's Danny at?” finally asked Dan's great uncle, Frank. "Didn't he just get out of jail?"

"Psycho Dan?” clarified another family member. "Oh he's here alright! He's in the kitchen, over by the coffee."

"In the kitchen down the hall?" further probed great Uncle Frank. "Well I'm going to have to go over there and see how he's doing. It's been a while since I've seen him." Then great Uncle Frank looked over to his nearby great nephew, Scott, and invited him to join him. "Come on, Scotty, let's go over and talk to Danny; see what he's up to now that he's out of jail."

As reported by family members, Psycho Dan was in the nearby small kitchen which contained a number of baked goods that had been provided by fellow mourners along with refreshments, one of these refreshments being coffee. And just as people had reported, Psycho Dan was standing near the coffee— actually standing over it and appearing to guard it.

"Danny?" called out great Uncle Frank as he entered the small kitchen with Psycho Dan's younger cousin, Scott.

"Uncle Frank!" shouted Psycho Dan. "Long time no see!" Rather than rush over to greet his Uncle Frank, Psycho Dan remained near the coffee as-if it were his duty to guard it.

Uncle Frank approached the refreshments table. "So how long has it been? I heard they let you out early for good behavior."

"Six years, eight months and nine days." answered Psycho Dan while finally embracing his great uncle. "And who is this little snot you've got with you?" he asked while messing up Scott's hair. "The last time I saw you, you had just started grammar school." Psycho Dan's cousin was now in seventh grade and had grown considerably since reporting to prison nearly seven years ago. But he was finally out, and it was time to catch up with family.

"You want some coffee?" offered Psycho Dan to great Uncle Frank.

"Sure..." agreed great Uncle Frank. "Black with one packet of Sweet 'N Low."

"Okay... one coffee with Sweet 'N Low coming up!" announced Psycho Dan. "And how about you?—you little snot?" teased Psycho Dan. "You want some coffee, too?"

"No, I'm good." answered Scott.

"Hey, Danny?" began to ask great Uncle Frank. "You're not standing here in the kitchen and pouring coffee for everyone, are you? Why don't you come out to the lobby and visit everyone? And did you see Matilda?"

"Oh I already saw Matilda, Uncle Frank." answered Psycho Dan. "And I'm fine over here in the kitchen." He handed the cup of coffee to great Uncle Frank.

"Well was that your job in prison?" probed great Uncle Frank. "We're you supposed to serve everyone coffee?"

Just then Psycho Dan's father, George, entered kitchen and overheard his uncle's question to Psycho Dan. "Yeah, that was his job in prison." he informed his uncle. "Ever since he came home, he's sat near the kitchen counter and made sure that the coffee pot has fresh coffee in it. He pours coffee for all of us and any guests who visits. I guess his special job in prison was to make and guard the coffee throughout the day."

"It was more than a job." argued Psycho Dan to his father. "It was an honorable duty; a duty that I had earned. I wonder who's taken my spot now that I'm gone."

"Bah, don't worry about who's taken your job!" urged great Uncle Frank. "You're out of jail, now. You've got a new lease on life. Forget about the special job you had while in prison!"

As Psycho Dan stood there with everyone; a man entered the kitchen and fixed a plate of goodies for himself and his wife. Then he approached the coffee pot and a reached for a Styrofoam cup.

"Whoa, whoa!" exclaimed Psycho Dan. "I've got that, okay!" He blocked the Styrofoam coffee cups with his muscular, tattooed forearm and then glared at the man with menacing eyes.

"Well can have some coffee?" asked the man in an irritated tone of voice.

Psycho Dan wasn't going to make it easy. "Well weren't you here about a half hour ago for some coffee?"

"Yes I was.” he answered. “Is that a problem?"

"Well where's your Styrofoam cup?" asked Psycho Dan.

"I threw it out." answered the man.

"You threw... your cup... out???" asked Psycho Dan as-if it were a crime.

Psycho Dan's father, George, finally broke in. "Alright, that's enough! Let the man have some coffee for cripes sake!" He was about to reach for a Styrofoam cup but was blocked by his son's muscular, tattooed forearm.

"I've got this, Dad!" He looked back with menacing eyes at the man who simply wished to help himself to a cup of coffee. "So you want some coffee, huh? Well no problem." He poured coffee into a fresh Styrofoam cup. "No problem at all... We can definitely do that."

"Umm… is there some kind of shortage of coffee in this place?" asked the man with a queer expression on his face.

"No, there's no shortage." reassured Psycho Dan. "We've got plenty of coffee."

"So then I guess it's just your job to stand there and harass everyone while serving coffee for the afternoon?"

"And what if it is?" threatened Psycho Dan. "Do you have a problem with it?"

"That's enough!" warned George to his son. "Now give him the cup of coffee!"

Psycho Dan wouldn't budge. He stood still like a statue with Styrofoam cup in his thick hand.

"Give him his coffee, now!" demanded George.

Reluctantly, Psycho Dan handed the cup of coffee over as his father ordered. The man then stormed out of the kitchen which left Psycho Dan alone with his father, great uncle and nephew.

"Listen..." began George to his son. "...Why don't you get away from the coffee pot and come out to the lobby to visit everyone. You look really stupid just standing there and guarding the coffee pot with your life. Now you're out of prison. You can forget whatever duty is that you had there. It's time to join the civilized world. What do you say?"

Psycho Dan stared at the coffee pot and then looked over to his father. "I'm fine, Dad. I don't need to go out and visit everyone."

Disgusted, George threw his hands in the air; turned around and stormed out of the kitchen.

"He just doesn't get it." complained Psycho Dan to his great uncle and nephew. "I had a very, important duty during my time spent in prison. You see; one of the things you have to do once you check into prison is join a gang. The gang members actually look out for each other. It's not like the different gangs are at war with each other. Really, everyone gets along. It's just that certain rules need to be put in place for everyone to follow in prison. One of them pertains to coffee."

Psycho Dan further explained, "Now in prison, coffee isn’t regularly supplied to inmates. Prisoners are served one cup of instant coffee for breakfast which really sucks. But you can pretty much get anything you want in prison if you have outside sources to bring it in. And it just so happened that members of my gang had a supplier of fresh coffee beans. We controlled the coffee. And it was my job to watch over the coffee while out in the prison yard each day.

How do you suppose I got this job? Well it was my initiation into the gang. I asked if I could join, and someone noticed that I'm big and muscular. I was told that the only position they had open for the time was coffee guard. The person who used to do it had finally been released from prison.

I was like, 'Yeah, sure I'll do it.'

Then I was told what I needed to do for initiation. I had to drink three pots of coffee in less than an hour; after which I was brought into the restroom and given a coffee enema. I don't know if either of you had one of these, but they clean your colon out pretty good.

So there I was; all jacked up on three pots off coffee, and desperately wanting to take a massive shit. But I couldn't shit until I found this member of another gang who had recently been starting trouble. I had to go and beat him up—teach him a good lesson for everyone in the prison. He was some big, Filipino guy with a mean look on his face. The guy had muscle, but everything was loose and baggy. It looked like he had tits. Still, the guy was really strong and really tough. I had to beat the guy up and prove that I was worthy to join the gang that I wanted to join. Obviously I succeeded, and I ran to the bathroom to take the shit of my life. I passed the initiation and was given the duty of coffee guard. That's why it pisses me off when my dad tells me to step away from the coffee pot. It's not that easy."

Great Uncle Frank interrupted. "But, Danny, you're out of prison, now. It's time to leave all of that behind you. What about a job? Have you started looking for a job?"

Just then, an attractive forty-something brunette with pretty brown eyes approached the refreshments table. She was about to reach for a Styrofoam coffee cup.

"Well, well, well; what do we have here?" exclaimed Psycho Dan in a sweet tone of voice. It looks like this lady wants some coffee. I can get that for you."

"Thank you!" acknowledged the woman.

"One cup of coffee for the lady with pretty eyes." commented Psycho Dan.

The woman did her best to hold back her smile. Although appreciating what was said, it just wasn't right to be complimented by a stranger at a wake—especially when married with husband out in the hallway.

"So do you want some cream and sugar with that, sweet stuff?" asked Psycho Dan.

Then again, maybe it wasn't so bad to accept a little flirting from the nice man at the coffee pot. It had been while since the woman felt this way. Her face beamed as she answered in a friendly tone of voice. "Two creams and two sugars."

"As if you weren't already sweet enough." commented Psycho Dan. He looked up towards her while stirring the cup. "See, you like all of that nice talk.—don't you? I bet you don't get enough compliments from your husband. I bet he takes you for granted and totally forgets what a beautiful wife he has. Well I'm definitely not like that. You see, I just got out of prison—spent six years, eight months and nine days in the cell. And let me tell you that there weren't beautiful women like you in that place. So if you ever feel like you're not getting enough compliments from your husband, just look me up, okay?"

Now it just so happened that the woman's husband was the man who had been in the kitchen a few minutes ago; the same man who Psycho Dan got into an argument with. Realizing that his wife was now in the kitchen, he felt it was best to see if everything was okay. And he walked in just as Psycho Dan lay on the unnecessary invitation to look him up if every lacking compliments from her husband.

"Hey, that's my wife you're talking to!" exploded the now outraged man.

"Yeah? Well what are you going to do about it?" challenged Psycho Dan. So unbelievable; he actually stepped away from the coffee pot and approached the man, fully prepared to fight.

But rather than come down to Psycho Dan's level, the man simply ordered to his wife. "Come on, let's go."

"She's going nowhere!" declared Psycho Dan.

"I don’t think I asked you!" returned the outraged man before repeating to his wife. "Let's go... now!"

"Well I've had just about enough of you!" announced Psycho Dan. With his thick hand and muscular, tattooed forearm; he took a swing at the man's face. Then he threw a second punch into the man's bleeding face before jabbing him in the stomach.

The assaulted man’s wife screamed, but secretly enjoyed the excitement.

Great Uncle Frank said to his nephew, "Well, Scotty, it looks like your cousin Danny can get his old job back in prison.

The End!

Surviving a Cocktail Party Discussion on Cosmology

Hello All:
Cosmology--NOT COSMETOLOGY!--is a science that studies the origination and on going evolution of our universe. It deals with items such as the Big Bang Theory, Einstein's Theory of Relativity, black holes, and all sort of far out things like quasars and pulsars. And thanks to specialized programming on cable TV, discussing these topics are becoming more and more commonplace.
It's the holidays. What would you do if you found yourself at a cocktail party with clients or co-workers, and some of them began engaging in a bizarre discussion of traveling at the speed of light or cruising through a black hole in space? Now you can't write them off as simply being a bunch of geeks and walk away. These are clients or co-workers of yours and your career depends on being able to get along with them.
Fortunately for you I have a survival guide to help understand and intelligently respond to discussions of cosmology in the every-day business world. You don't need a physics degree to understand this stuff, just an open mind and a few minutes to read.

Cosmic Tales

Starting Point (the basics)

            One good thing about engaging in a discussion on cosmology is the fact that the concepts are almost always theoretical. That's good for you and me because one guy's idea is just as good as the other's. How is one going to understand the age or size of the universe when we as humans are infinitely smaller and younger? So when you suddenly find yourself in a discussion surrounding deep space and cosmology; relax, the key contributors of this conversation really don't know for a fact that what they are saying is true.

            There are a few common pieces of information that all cosmologists agree on. First is the fact that the universe was created out of the Big Bang. The Big Bang theoretically happened some 25-30 billion years ago when the universe was what physicists describe as a primordial atom. A cosmic reaction took place which caused the atom to explode with incredible force, creating the universe we live in today.  Now not everyone believes in the Big Bang. Many people (including myself) prefer to believe that God made the universe. If you are like me, you can believe that the Big Bang is an attempt to understand how God created the universe. The initial explosion was God saying, "Let there be light." That's not so bad, is it?

            Another piece of information that all cosmologists agree on are points made by Einstein's theory of relativity. Actually it is broken into two theories: the special and general theory. You don't need to fully grasp what each theory is trying to prove, but these theories are often referenced to discuss and back up these ideas:

• Gravity bends light. 
• Gravity can alter the transition of time. 
• Traveling at the speed of light will cause the traveler to fast-forward into the future.  
• It is impossible to exceed 99% of the speed of light -- although fiction and imagination presses this theory that we can exceed the speed of light. It has often been imagined that exceeding the speed of light would have a similar effect to breaking the speed of sound where-as breaking the sound barrier creates an audible explosion, and breaking the light barrier would cause a visual explosion.

Stories and Riddles of Time Travel

            Many times cosmologists will break out the 'ole Tales of Cosmology story. It's a favorite story; some kind of paradox of time lost. The story involves one brother briefly leaving the other on a motorcycle ride. The brother riding his motorcycle approaches the speed of light and observes his surroundings look as if it were in a concave mirror. As he nears the speed of light he can only see a spec in front of him. As he backs off the speed of light the spec and concave view returns to normal.
     Towards the ending of the story he returns to his brother who has been patiently waiting. But what's this? The brother who had been waiting has aged 70 years!
What happened?
     Well now that you know a little about Einstein's Theory of Relativity, you know that traveling near the speed of light caused the bike-riding brother to rapidly accelerate into the future.
***

            A little riddle often brought up in the speculation of traveling through time is the "Grandfather Clause". It asks, "If you went back into time and shot your grandfather, would you be able to come back to the future? How would you have been born?
     The answers to this riddle are amazing. Remember, your answer is just as good as anyone else's. There is a popular explanation that says that you would go back to a parallel universe with a profound amount of changes experienced since your grandfather was not alive to create your father who was not alive to create you. And the whole ripple effect that people make in their lives would be felt as well.
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            Here's a burning question often asked about time travel: If time travel is possible, then where are the time travelers? This question implies that one day we as humans will figure out how to travel through time. But if this is possible, how come time travelers from the future don't come and visit us? Many answers to this question say that whatever avenue or technique being used cannot traverse before the initial date of when time travel was made possible. My favorite answer simply says that future time travelers know it is unwise to give us the technology of time travel because we won't know how to use it correctly.

Impossible to Know (size, age, shape of universe)

            When a discussion about the size, age, or condition of the universe is taking place, the initiator relies on his or her favorite theorist to make a point. What I mean by this is no one could possibly know for sure how large the universe is; how old it is; what the shape is, etc. But there are a few different schools of thought. One way of thinking believes that the universe is continuing to expand since the Big Bang. Because it is the Big Bang that caused this expansion, it is assumed that the expansion will eventually cease as the momentum of the explosion will die off. The total gravity of the universe will cause the walls to sink in, and one day shrink back to nothingness again. This belief opens the possibility that trillions of years will generate another Big Bang to start the whole process up again.

            Another theory says that black holes (see black hole discussion below) generate doorways to other universes that are growing/shrinking as well. In short, the theory says that our universe is a collection of countless other universes that are interwoven through little holes (actually tremendous holes in comparison to us).

            There is also the simple theory that our universe is simply a blob of shapeless mass that contains stars and planets, and the limitations of the universe is the size of that mass and it will always be simply that.

Black Holes (everyone's favorite)

            Many people are familiar with black holes. Although they can not be seen, astronomers detect these massive voids in space that seem to eat up all light and matter. Because of Einstein's Theory of Relativity, it is theorized that black holes contain an inconceivable amount of gravity that pulls all light in along with mass. Black holes seem to be drains in the universe that eat everything up. You can also say that time stops in a black hole because the intense gravity will affect time. There are complex formulas that demonstrate how a black hole causes time to no longer transition.

            One favorite story of fans of black holes suggests that at the other end of a black hole is white hole. This implies that all the matter and light being sucked in by a black hole is ejected out of the other end. There isn't any significant evidence of white holes, so technically they have not been proven. Also, there are a couple laws of physics that pretty much disprove that a white hole is the other end of a black hole.

Far out Stuff (supernovae, pulsars, and quasars)

            Sometimes a discussion on cosmology will venture into deep water and bring up items such as supernovae, quasars, or pulsars. These are actual objects that have been discovered but are still not fully understood.

            To understand a supernova or pulsar, you need to first understand that a star has a life span. As the star runs out of energy and eventually dies-off, there is a gravitational collapse that sucks up everything nearby in. Eventually there is a release of this matter which is seen as a supernova. Supernovae radiate enough light and energy to equal millions of our suns. Often they over-light an entire galaxy for several days or weeks until all the energy is released.

            Once a supernova has ejected all its energy and light, it becomes a pulsar. This is a dead neuron star that rotates on its axis at a rapid rate. It has a tremendous amount of gravity and is believed to be the seed of a black hole.

            Quasars are named from the fact that they can only be detected by radio telescopes. The name combines the words Quasi-stellar-radio-source. Quasars are believed to be at the center of a distant galaxy that contains a black hole. The quasar generates enough energy to equal trillions of suns. So far away, and impossible to see; they are detected through radio signal due to their tremendous amount of energy.

Bizarre Stuff (wormholes, Tripler Cylinders and cosmic strings)

            Be careful when bringing up these controversial topics in cosmology. Depending on the people engaged in the discussion, you can either raise the bar and impress people with your cutting edge knowledge, or give people the impression you took acid some time in your life.

            Wormholes are pretty much widely accepted, though still only theoretical. A wormhole involves applying a gravitational field that is strong enough to bring two points of the universe closely together. This is the basis of hyper-warp. In some future starship, it is hoped that astronauts will be able to open a worm whole tunnel and travel light years into space within seconds.

            Tripler cylinders aren't as commonly known as worm holes. A Tripler Cylinder involves creating a spaghetti like object that spans billions of light years, but is about the diameter of a spaghetti noodle. You then rotate the tube at a very high RPM. Since the tube is spanned for such a large distance, there is a time-space continuum alteration due to the energy sharing of one medium throughout the cosmos. If you intersect various points of the Tripler Tube, you will jump forward or backwards into the future, or could even jump to a galaxy very far away.

            "Where would you get the materials to make such a cylinder?"--you might ask?
            Well you could take a star, and roll it up like play dough so that it stretches across space.
            "Impossible!"--you might declare?

            Well no problem! You see, you don't need to change a star to make a Tripler Cylinder. Instead, you can use a cosmic string!
           "What's a cosmic string?"--you might ask?

            A cosmic string is a remnant of the transition of the universe at the moment of the Big Bang. Trillions of shredded matter still in the one-dimensional state spread out throughout the universe, and are now known as cosmic strings. Cosmic strings are the diameter of the proton but the length of several billion light years. One piece of a cosmic string only 1 meter long would weigh 10 times the amount of Earth! If you could get your hands on a cosmic string, you could use it to make a Tripler Cylinder and create a time machine. Not only that, cosmic strings have a sense of polarity. Supposedly, a cosmic string can tell us which is north, south, east, and west in the universe. They also contain material and energy that was ejected at the moment of the Big Bang.

            I hope you find my survival guide to cosmology discussions very useful. Remember, you are not an expert on these concepts and neither is anyone else!