The Pill Lady

An unlicensed pharmacist in her own right, who feels that she missed her calling: The Pill Lady can be found all throughout America, living out her daily life—typically in senior years—and finding that pills are the answers to all her problems. Ask her about this strange way of life, and her answer will most-surely disturb you! "I'm on so many pills that it’s not even funny. MAOIs, blood pressure pills, diabetes pills, nitrate pills for chest pain, pills for anxiety, allergy pills, pills for my mood swings, pills for my hyperactivity, pills for my acid reflux, pills for pain, blood-thinner pills, and probably more than that. Some mornings, I just wake up and pour a bunch of pills in a bowl, add milk, sprinkle sugar in a bowl (helps the medicine go down) and dig in. I hope it helps me lose weight. I have two drawers filled with bottles of pills and throughout the month I take them all!

My neighbor takes just as many pills, and sometimes she brings hers over and we sample each others. But I found out you have to be careful with this because I once took a pill that mixed badly with my blood thinner, and it caused my heart to beat like a drum! I was in the hospital for a couple days and almost had a heart attack. The doctor says only take your own pills, but it’s nice to share with your neighbor, just to make sure you are both healthy.

Sometimes I think I missed my calling. I should have been a druggist because I know so much about pills. Take for example; when my granddaughter comes over for the night, it is difficult to put her to sleep at a decent hour. I crush up half of one of my blood pressure pills that often make me sleepy. I put it in a glass of strawberry soda and call it grandma's special soda. Once the pill kicks in, she’s out like a light for 10 hours! You would think I could just give her a sleeping pill; but come on, sleeping pills for a child? Now that’s just wrong!

Now my husband suffered from a heart attack a couple years back and occasionally he gets anxiety that he is going to get another one. I tell him that’s just crazy talk and not to worry. Within a couple days, he’s feeling fine. The reason? I crush up a few of my anxiety pills and sprinkle it on his eggs in the morning with the salt and pepper. He’ll never know, but at least I have his anxiety under control now."

Be very careful of who you visit; at most, try not to stay for too long. The pill lady is at large, and she has just the cure for you!