Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Moldy Lemon Acid Trips

Hello All:
I'm running a little behind schedule this morning. But that's okay. I've got a new story for you. Have you ever tried Moldy Lemon acid trips? I've heard that you can really trip your balls off when taking them.
Moldy Lemon Acid Trips
Andrey is one of those—shall we say—entrepreneurs who don't believe in working for other people. To reiterate; this means that he is very much against working a regular job as a source of stable income. Oh, he might get a part time job every now in then if in dire need of finances. But he doesn't stay too long. You see, time is precious for Andrey. He could be using that time to develop his own business ventures.
He's so clever and creative; a real thinker who stays well outside of the box. Take for example the time he mustered enough motivation to clean out his filthy refrigerator that was overstocked with moldy, rotting food. While rummaging through all the stink, and discarding food that had expired over six months ago; Andrey discovered a plastic bag that contained four rotten, moldy lemons. You've certainly heard the wisdom of what to do when life hands you lemons. You make lemonade, of course! But what do you do when life hands you moldy lemons?
"Throw them out."—you might answer?
Well this is what Andrey did when first discovering the bag of moldy lemons. He did so while commenting out loud, "I can't see any use for these. I'd probably starting hallucinating and seeing things with all that mold mixing with citrus acid. It would be a new kind of LSD."
And then a light bulb went off in Andrey's head. Immediately he removed the bag of moldy lemons from the garbage can, and then slammed the refrigerator door shut. Cleaning the refrigerator was now over. It was time to go to work and invent something new and revolutionary that would change the world.
Andrey reached into the sink for a dirty cutting board that had laid there for two weeks. It now had dried up tomato slop and seeds smeared all over it. He would have used this cutting board on that weekend that he thought he would start eating salads more often.
So much for that bright idea! He never used the cutting board, again!
Andrey was about to rinse the cutting board off, but realized that the chemicals from the tomato could very well mix with the mold and citrus acid from the lemons to make a highly potent sort of hallucinogenic acid.
The same knife that was used to slice up the tomato from two weeks ago lay in the sink as well. Andrey used this to cut into the moldy, rotting lemons in an attempt to make slices. Mold, slime and rotting matter squished all over the cutting board. Andrey scraped the mutilated, decomposing matter of all four lemons into the blender. Within five minutes he had a dirty, yellow liquid.
Andrey next went online, and downloaded some poster images of lemon rings. A couple dozen of these were printed up, soon to be dropped into a tray of liquidated, moldy lemons. The freshly-manufactured sheets of what Andrey now called, Moldy Lemon acid trips, were laid out on the countertop to fully dry. They would sit there for over four days until fully dry.
Of course there was no guarantee that an individual trip (small square of paper) of this Moldy Lemon acid would actually get a user off. This is why Andrey sat in his family room on a Friday night and laid a square of Moldy Lemon onto his tongue.
There was a subtle lemon flavor to the square of acid that left a slight tingling sensation to the tongue. Outside of that, the Moldy Lemon trip tasted nasty! It triggered that "shit-eating grin" that might be considered the body's way of urging, "Please do not eat/drink that!" But Andrey disobeyed the warning. He sucked all the juice from the square of paper and even swallowed the paper to ensure he received the full effect.
Andrey sat on the sofa and gazed out the glass patio door at the setting sun. It wouldn't be long before he started tripping. Maybe the sun would melt, or the stars would swirl and dance around in the sky. To be honest; Andrey never tripped on LSD, psilocybin, or mescaline. So he had no idea of what to expect. But within twenty minutes, Andrey received more than he bargained for!
Waves of nausea and cold sweat overcame Andrey that were so powerful that he had to run to the bathroom and vomit. From there he lay on the dirty, tiled floor while marveling at how ill he felt. He did this while staring at the flowered wall paper. And Andrey experienced stomach cramps like never before that were followed by uncontrollable diarrhea and more vomiting. It was necessary to lay cold washrags onto his forehead and neck.
"Ugh... I don't feel good at all!" cried Andrey. I feel like I'm dying..." And that was the moment when Andrey congratulated himself. "This must be some wicked acid! I actually believe that I'm dying! I'm freaking out really bad; tripping my balls off!"
Two days were necessary for Andrey to recover from his trip. This gave him plenty of time to plan the next step of his business venture. He had a wicked acid that people might be willing to pay top dollar for just to experience the same things that he did. But where could he find these people? There isn't a huge population of people walking the streets who are in search of acid.
Now at the time, The Grateful Dead was in the middle of a tour. And this was in recent years when the band continued to perform after the sad loss of Jerry Garcia (just a couple of years before the band officially broke up—to be precise). And it just so happened that the Grateful Dead would be performing in the nearby city where Andrey lived. Everybody knows that dead heads enjoy tripping on acid during Grateful Dead concerts! Surely they would enjoy Moldy Lemon acid trips.
But it would require Andrey to purchase tickets; something very difficult to do being that he had little money. That's when Andrey received another brilliant idea. He used Photoshop along with picture editing software to create a counterfeit ticket for the Grateful Dead. Upon printing it up, Andrey congratulated himself of how talented he was.
Oh, but the people taking tickets at the gate along with security were not fooled by Andrey's counterfeit ticket. "Sorry, sir; but it appears that this is counterfeit."
"Counterfeit??? What??? No way!" exclaimed Andrey.
"I'm afraid it is." answered the security guard. "We can't let you in. You need to make sure that you buy your tickets from reputable sources."
Nearly discouraged, Andrey could only walk away and stand at a nearby street corner where other concert goers with legitimate tickets for the Grateful Dead passed. Perhaps he could try selling his Moldy Lemon acid trips on the street corner.
Andrey inconspicuously stuck out his tongue while pretending to lay something on it—like a piece of paper. He would do this whenever a small group of dead heads passed. "Need some cid... Need some cid..." he whispered."
"No, man, we're okay. Thanks."
After ten minutes, Andrey finally found an interested pair of apparent dead heads. They approached Andrey, and excitedly asked, "Do you have some?"
"Yes I do!" affirmed Andrey. How much do you need?”
"Well is it real?" challenged one of the dead heads."I mean I don't want no paper in my mouth, if you know what I mean! Dudes get beat up pretty bad for stuff like that. We remember what you look like, and then come find you later. So is this stuff real?"
"Hell yeah it's real!" reassured Andrey. "I've got Moldy Lemon acid trips. But you better watch out! This stuff will make you trip your balls off your at least a couple of days."
"Yeah!" exclaimed one of the dead heads. "Now that's what I'm talking about! Let me tell you, I've had Green Curtains, Black Dragons, Bart Simpsons; but I've never tried Moldy Lemons! Hook me up, bro!"
"Sure thing!" acknowledged Andrey. So excited with his first sale of the evening, he reached into his backpack for a small, plastic bag of individual squares of paper. Maybe these dead heads would spread the word so that more would come to find Andrey.
"Twenty dollars!" declared Andrey.
With that, one of the dead heads opened his wallet and presented a police badge. "Sir, you're under arrest for possession and intent to distribute controlled substances."
"What???" exclaimed Andrey. "No!!! This isn't even real LSD!"
"That's not what you said a moment ago." said the other office while placing handcuffs on Andrey.
***
And so children; what does it all mean? What can we learn from this story?
When life hands you moldy lemons; make fake LSD out of it, and then print up counterfeit tickets to a Grateful Dead concert that doesn't include the late Jerry Garcia. Sell that fake LSD to undercover narcotics agents.
Either that, or throw them out!

The End!

Friday, August 7, 2015

Camp Alien Abduction

Hello All:
Just a warning to those who have opted to enjoy the ending of summer by venturing to a cottage in the northern woods: This is only an invitation to be abducted by aliens! You see, when people spend time in remote areas, they soon become targets of alien abductions. And when aliens abduct, there's no telling what they might do!
Have a great weekend! And unless you want to be abducted by aliens, don't venture to a cottage in the northern woods!
Camp Alien Abduction
It would be a night of terror for a family of four who simply stopped at a small campsite for the night while en route to their next summer vacation destination. It was a peculiar camp site that offered nothing more than four small log cabins—without bathrooms—that were nestled into the surrounding forest. There was a main office located up front at the entrance with in-ground pool behind it for guests to enjoy some leisurely swimming.
Upon arriving, Father parked the family van in front of the office. Both he and Mother exited and head for the building to see if they could stay for the night. To keep the air conditioning circulating on that hot afternoon; the van was left running with thirteen-year-old Susan in the backseat, and her ten-year-old little brother, Brian.
"They have a pool!" pointed little Brian. "I want to go swimming!"
"Me too!" said Susan.
The family had been driving for over seven hours. It was mid-afternoon, and both kids certainly could have used some fun and exercise.
"I just want to get out of this seat and walk around!" complained Susan.
"I have to go pee!" further added Brian.
Just then, Susan spotted something creepy behind a nearby tree that she, at first, thought was an animal. "What the heck is that?" shouted Susan while pointing in the creature's direction.
Brian looked over just in time to see its boney-gray face with large, bug-like eyes that stared at the van before turning and running off. It was then that both kids could see that the creature had humanoid features with two long and thin legs and matching wiry arms. It didn't wear clothes. Its skin appeared clay-like and slimy.
The kids screamed in near terror.
"What was that?" cried Brian.
"I don't know!" answered Susan while hyperventilating and holding back the tears.
If the kids didn't know any better, they could have sworn that the creature was an extra terrestrial from outer space.
Five minutes later, as Brian and Susan sat fearful and motionless in the van, Mother and Father returned with paperwork that apparently served as the agreement to stay at the campground for the night.
"They have a cabin for us!" announced Mother upon sitting down in the passenger seat.
"We don't want to stay here!" cried Susan.
"Well why not?" challenged Mother.
"We saw something run out into the woods!" answered Susan.
"Yeah, it was hiding behind the tree and watching us! Then it ran back into the forest!" added Brian.
"It looked like an alien!" concluded Susan while nearly in tears.
Father laughed while backing out of the parking spot. "Alien? Come-on! It was probably just a raccoon or a deer."
"No, it was walking. It was gray and slimy."
Father laughed all the harder. "It looks like you kids need to spend more time outdoors. There are all kinds of things living in the forest like deer, possum and raccoons. And raccoons do have an ability to walk on their hind feet. Maybe that’s what you saw. Now about these cabins; they’re supposed to be really nice with air conditioning and everything. And as you can see, they have a pool."
"Mom, I have to pee!" announced little Brian.
"You can go in the woods once we arrive at the cabin." answered Father. "But hopefully something doesn't sneak up on you and grab you while you're out there!"
Mother slapped Father. "Don't scare him like that!"
"They don't have bathrooms in these log cabins?" asked Susan.
"They have a building, nearby, with showers and toilets. You can go there if needed." answered Mother.
"Oh great! So I have to walk through the dark at night if I want to go to the bathroom." complained Susan.
Not more than two minutes later, the van approached the small cabin which sat atop a slight land elevation. From a distance it looked so isolated... something a bit eerie. The dense forest of pine trees surrounded the cabin from behind. There was a large, open yard in front of the cabin that was void of trees. This, obviously, was the place to make bonfires. The fire pit, after all, was located there.
"It's nice and open." pointed Father. "Tonight when we sit around the fire and roast weenies, we can look up at the stars in the sky."
"I bet it's beautiful." added Mother.
"Where can I go to the bathroom at?" asked Brian as Father put the van in park.
"I have to go, too." answered Father. "Come-on, let's find a nearby tree to go."
Father and Brian strolled a short distance away from the cabin to the surrounding pine trees. There, they found a couple of trees to pee behind. As Brian relieved himself, he suddenly heard movement out in the forest. It sounded like people approaching as their feet stepped on and crunched fallen pinecones or dead branches. Was it the humanoid creature that he and Susan had seen only moments ago?
"Dad, somebody's coming!" warned Bryan.
"We're the only people staying here for the night." reassured Father. "Now like I said; there are all sorts of animals living out here in the forest. It's probably a family of deer walking around."
Inside the log cabin, Mother and Susan set the cooler down in the small kitchenette area.
"Good thing we stopped and filled the cooler with ice." said Mother. "They didn't have any at the front office. But this should keep everything cold for the night." Mother next pointed in the direction of the smaller bedroom. "That will be the room that you and Brian sleep in tonight."
Susan scuffed over to her and Brian's room. It was nothing more than two bunk beds and a small window that faced the woods. It wasn't like she was going to live in the small bedroom throughout the entire stay. It would certainly do for sleeping. But she was beginning to hate the wooden paneling on the surrounding walls and ceiling. The entire log cabin was decorated with this paneling. It had large knots embedded in it. And when two knots were paired together, it reminded Susan of a pair of eyes that watched her. And at that very moment, the eyes made her recall the creepy, humanoid creature that she and Brian had seen several minutes ago. If that weren't enough, some of these pairs of knots were surrounded by natural patterns in the wood that looked like grotesque faces... like the faces of extra terrestrials from outer space! It was almost as-if someone had deliberately installed this paneling just to disturb people.
"I hate this paneling!" complained Susan to her Mother. "It looks like a bunch of eyes watching me."
Just then, Father and Brian entered the cabin.
"Ah! They have the air conditioning running for us!" exclaimed Father. Then he suggested, "Since the front office and pool closes at five o'clock, what do you say we get in some swimming?"
"YEAH!" cheered Brian. "Mom, do you have my trunks?"
"It's in the suitcase over there." pointed Mother.
Father continued, "After our swim we'll do a nice hike in the forest. By then, we'll be hungry for dinner and I'll start up the campfire for the night."
Ten minutes later, the family was in their swimwear. Of course poor Susan had to endure a dozen pair of alien eyes on the paneling that watched her undress and slip into her bikini. As for the pool, it was rectangular with diving board at the deep end. Both Susan and Brian spent about an hour practicing their dives. Towards the end of their afternoon swim they played with the inflatable toys that were actually flying saucer rafts and strange, extra terrestrial creatures. Imagine that!
By five o'clock, the family had been ordered by campsite management to leave the pool because it was closed for the day. And the same would be said for the front office. For the remainder of the evening, they would be the only people on the campground.
It was no problem for Mother, Father, Susan and Brian. They simply moved to phase two of the evening's plan by going for a nice, family stroll through the pine forest. By then it was late afternoon and approaching six o'clock. The forest sheltered the family from the late afternoon sun. The scenery was complete with rolling hills and large moss-covered boulder that stacked up along the trail. There were peaceful streams that snaked throughout the woods. And of course they saw cute, little creatures such as squirrels, chipmunks and bunnies.
But at some point in their stroll, the family learned that they were not alone. Initially, from a distance, it looked as though maybe construction crews were doing maintenance on some of the trails. There was what looked to be heavy machinery from a distance. But as the family came closer, it was evident that they were looking at the site of a recently-crashed aircraft.
"Oh my gosh!" exclaimed Mother. "I wonder if anyone is hurt. We better call 911." She said this as the family drew closer and closer to the wreckage. Moving figures which were assumed to be surviving passengers could be seen in a distance scattering about.
Father quickly pulled out his phone. "Oh shoot! I don't have service!"
"Not even roam?" asked Mother.
"Nope..."
"Let me try mine." said Mother as she removed the phone from her pocket. By now, the family was close enough to make out features of the surviving passengers. But only Susan and Brian paid attention to this as Mother and Father struggled with finding signal for their phones.
From what Susan and Brian could make of it, there was something terribly wrong with the people near the wreckage. They weren't human! And they looked, exactly, like the creepy, humanoid creature that had been seen near the parking lot earlier that afternoon.
"Oh no!" cried out Susan. "Mom...? Dad...? I told you there were aliens in this place."
"Honey, what are you talking about?" asked Father with a note of annoyance. But as he looked ahead, he could finally see that the aircraft crash was truly out-of-the-ordinary! "Well what do we have here?" exclaimed Father with a tone of excited curiosity. "I can't believe it... Kids, do you know what this is...? This is an alien spaceship that has crashed. We're looking at aliens from another planet!"
Just then, Mother's cell phone made a series of strange pulses and noises. Somehow her phone had been set to speaker mode so that everyone could hear. The pulses and eerie noise were followed by a strange elf-like chatter.
"I think they are trying to communicate with us." suggested Mother. "This is so scary. We need to get out of here."
"No, let's get some pictures!" urged Father. "No one would ever believe us if we told them." He quickly approached the wreckage where the frantic extra terrestrial creatures scattered about."
"Oh, please be careful, Hun!" called out Mother.
A message loudly came through Mother's phone. This time it was in clear English. It said, "Warning! You are about to be taken captive by extra terrestrial beings!"
With that, a large group of extra terrestrials stormed towards the direction of the family.
Mother, Susan and Bryan let out bloodcurdling screams before running off in the opposite direction. Father quickly joined them while shouting, "Run! Run for your lives! They're serious! They have some kind of ray guns!"
Father was right! No sooner had he said that, the sounds of high-pitched lasers could be heard that seemed to ricochet throughout the forest. Nobody dared to look behind them. There was no telling what would happen if the aliens reached them.
The family huffed and puffed and ran with all their might until reaching the cabin. By then Bryan and Susan looked behind them. The extra terrestrials were no longer there.
With blood pumped, sweaty face—huffing and puffing—Father said, "Well I think we definitely got our exercise in for today. And I'm starting to get hungry. How about you?"
"We need to get out of here!" squealed frightened Susan. "They'll just come after us!"
"Good point." agreed Father while continuing to huff and puff. Let's get in the van and get out of here."
Once loaded in the van, Father backed out and took the campsite trail back to the entrance.
But what was this?
"You've got to be kidding me!" exclaimed Father. "The gate is locked! There's no way out of here!"
"Dad, smash through the gate!" suggested Brian.
"No, I'm not going to smash through the gate!" snapped Father. "They'll only charge us for the damages in the morning! Do you really think that people will believe us when we say that aliens were chasing us through the forest? I see it all the time on TV. Nobody believes reports of aliens."
"What are we going do?" asked Mother.
"Alright, look..." began Father. "...Chances are that the aliens only gave us a warning to stay away. We saw something that we shouldn't have seen, and were a little more curious than we should have been. I think if we just stay near our cabin and make our bonfire—cook our weenies and bratwurst for the evening—and then go to bed; we should be alright. They'll leave us alone."
With that, Father head back to the cabin. And as promised, there were no extra terrestrials waiting for them.
The early part of the evening was mostly uneventful as the family sat around the campfire after dinner, spraying themselves with Deep Woods Off in hopes to prevent the onslaught of mosquitoes. They had hoped to snack on s'mores for dessert, but Mother forgot to pack chocolate bars. The family, instead, had to eat roasted marshmallows that were sandwiched between graham crackers—not a terrible thing, really.
Just before retiring for the evening, around quarter to eleven, the strange lights in the sky began. They looked like slow-moving meteors of eerie colors; green, blue and pink streaks of light that seemed to originate from the sky and then hover in a swirling fashion around the area where the crashed alien spacecraft was spotted.
"It looks like they were able to contact the mother ship for help." speculated Father. "I bet by tomorrow that the wreckage will be all gone; not a trace of it anywhere."
"This is unbelievable." stated Mother. "Who would ever expect to see something—experience something—like this?"
Just then, some movement could be heard out in the forest.
Susan gasped.
Brian nearly cried, "I'm scared. I think they're coming for us."
"That might be just a warning for us to go inside." speculated Father a second time. "I'm pretty sure they know we are out here, and trying to stay out of their way. But maybe they need to do something out here that we can't see. Let's die this fire out and go to bed. Like I said; by morning, they will probably all be gone and we can get out of here."
Twenty minutes later, as the family lay in their beds in the cabin; a series of strange noises suddenly could be heard from Mother's cell phone.
Terrified, both Brian and Susan scurried into Mother and Father's bedroom. "It's happening again?"asked Susan.
Then, an audible message that was just like the one they had received while in the forest that afternoon came through Mother's phone. It was loud and clear, "Warning! You are about to be abducted by extra terrestrials!"
Susan and Brian let out bloodcurdling screams while running about the cabin in search of a place to hide. All the windows in cabin as well as the microscopic cracks between the walls let in a bright, green light. There must have been an alien spacecraft outside. Whoever manned it, must have found where the terrified family was hiding for the night.
While this happened, there was a loud knock on the door.
"I better answer that!" declared Father.
"Daddy, no!" urged Susan. "It's a trick! It's the aliens!"
"Nah!" argued Father. "It's probably only camp management. See the lights out there? They probably drove up here to warn us about the crash out in the woods.”
Father opened the door and stepped outside. There were several seconds of silence before Father poked his head in the cabin. "Everyone come outside!"
Mother cautiously escorted Susan and Brian outside as Father ordered. Standing there were several alien-appearing creatures with long, thin legs, wiry arms, and large bug-like eyes. They wore no clothing to cover their gray and slimy skin. There was a small flying saucer planted in the ground, nearby, with walking plank extended out. Bright, green lights illuminated the entire area.
"They want to take us onboard their ship for simple tests." explained Father. "At least they are being nice. They could have come in the cabin while we were sleeping and took us by force. They said it will be quick and painless. Come-on..." invited Father. "Let's get this over with so we can go back to bed."
It was the cue for the several alien creatures to lead Mother, Father, Susan and Brian onboard the flying saucer which was nothing more than silver walls, inside, with cushioned seating that surrounded a middle column. There were two carts with various types of medical equipment sitting on them.
The family was gestured to sit down. With everyone finally seated, the alien creatures wasted not a moment in examining their human subjects. They poked them with strange instruments; examined their ears and eyes with magnifiers; took small clippings of hair. In comparison to most alien abduction reports, this one was fairly non-invasive. But then a small computer screen with cable that seemed to be connected to Mother's lower abdomen was held out in front of the family. The image appeared to be that of an ultrasound which yielded a fetus.
"Look at that kids!" exclaimed Father. "It looks like you will soon have a baby brother in the near future. But it's going to be a baby alien! The aliens impregnated your mother!"
It was then that Susan and Brian could make out the features of a deformed fetus that appeared alien-like.
And that was the end of the family's terrifying ordeal. They were shuffled off the spaceship and escorted back to their cabin where Father closed the door and turned off the lights.
"I guess we have nothing left to be afraid of." pointed Father. "We were abducted by aliens. We can go to bed, now."
***
The following morning, Father drove to the front office with family all packed in the van and ready to leave. But it wasn't necessary to park and go inside. The owner of the camp simply approached the driver side and asked Father, "Ready to leave?"
"Yes sir!" acknowledged Father.
"So how was everything?" probed the owner. "Everything to your liking?"
"Oh, it was spectacular!" declared Father. "It was everything I could have ever imagined!" With that he handed the key over.
"Well thanks for visiting." said the owner. "Come back, again."
As the family drove off, Susan and Brian noticed—for the first time—the large sign off the highway that read, "Camp Alien Abduction: close encounter fun for the whole family!" It gave Susan and Brian something to think about while riding into town for breakfast. Did Mother and Father play a mean prank on them while on vacation?

The End