Hello All:
I was in a traffic jam a few weeks ago and imagined this scenario after seeing some guy walking on the side of the road. It evolved into something fantastic, highly visual, and absurd scenario. It’s a perfect idea for a short, darkly humorous tale that highlights the strange, shared realities of modern urban life. We'll categorize this as a piece of Bizarro that dips into contemporary absurdity.
The Great Commute Conspiracy
Rex was having a stellar day. The sky was the color of dirty cement, his rent was late, and he was walking the four miles to his buddy’s apartment because he’d sold his bike for bus fare he hadn't spent. But walking gave him one profound, simple joy: the ability to stride past the misery of others. And right now, on the 405 South, misery was a stagnant, four-lane ocean of expensive steel.
The traffic jam was monumental, a disaster of broken axles and shattered hopes. The collective frustration was a palpable stench, heavier than the exhaust fumes. Rex, a man whose only consistent style was defiance, sauntered down the shoulder, swinging a faded canvas backpack.
He stopped beside a gleaming black SUV where a woman in a headset was beating a frustrated rhythm on her steering wheel.
“Hey, Queen of the Road!” Rex shouted, giving a mock salute. “Enjoyin’ the view from your iron coffin? Got all the square footage of a luxury prison cell, but none of the privacy! Hope you packed a snack, ‘cause you’ll die right there!”
The woman only glared, but the man in the Lexus behind her, dressed in a sharp suit and a tighter expression, leaned out of his partially opened window.
“Why don’t you just keep walking, pal?” the man snapped, his voice tense with road rage.
Rex threw his hands up in mock surrender. “Oh, I will! But at least I’m going somewhere. You’re just a spectator at your own burial, chief! Go on, give your horn a little toot! See if that moves the mountain!”
He moved on, chuckling to himself. He loved watching the frantic, trapped energy of the people who’d bought into the system. They were caged, and he was gloriously free.
He was about to deliver a particularly poetic insult to a minivan full of sullen children when the energy shifted.
It happened around the fifth car back in the line. A thick, sweet, herbal cloud, like a slow-moving fog bank, was lazily drifting out of the tinted windows of a battered Honda Civic.
Then came the sound. Not the low thrum of engines or the angry snarl of horns, but the pulsing, joyous beat of 90s West Coast hip-hop, loud enough to rattle Rex’s teeth.
The driver of the Honda, a young woman with kaleidoscope sunglasses, spotted Rex. She wasn't frustrated; she was grinning maniacally. Her entire car was filled with people laughing, leaning over the seats, passing something around.
Rex stopped his mocking routine, his jaw slack. He looked ahead. The traffic wasn't moving. It hadn't moved for half an hour. But these people weren't miserable. They were celebrating.
He peered into the car. The center console was lined with snacks—Funyuns, Cheetos, and a glistening half-eaten tub of cookie dough. A faint, low sound was coming from the back seat, which Rex realized was the gurgle of a small, battery-powered water fountain—a makeshift filtration system for something much stronger.
"What are you doing?" Rex asked, not shouting this time, but genuinely confused.
The woman in the sunglasses leaned her head out the window, the sweet smoke following her like a pet. "What are you doing, man? This is the longest party in the state! We're celebrating the Great Commute Conspiracy! Turns out, if the traffic isn't moving, you can't get arrested, and you can't be late!"
A man from the car behind her—a pristine BMW—yelled out, "Hey, Cindy, invite the hobo! He looks like he needs to be unburdened!"
Cindy threw her hands out. "Get in here, friend! We got an eternal flame burning on the back seat and we're only on car four! Join the line of leisure!"
Rex, whose daily high was usually just the mild euphoria of pissing off someone wealthy, felt a profound philosophical shift. This wasn't a jam; it was a rebellion. He slipped his backpack off his shoulders and, for the first time in his life, willingly entered a car he didn't own.
He squeezed into the back seat of the Honda, accepting a plastic-filtered contraption from a man who was using a dashboard map light to carefully toast a bowl. The music was vibrating through the floorboards.
"Welcome to the line," Cindy chirped. "Don't worry, the SUV lady two cars up is our designated driver. She's keeping a sober eye on the brake lights. If they move, we all know."
Rex took a cautious hit. Then another. Then the third, deep, lung-searing pull, inhaling the collective, pressurized joy of the traffic jam.
The next hour ceased to be a linear experience. It became a sensory hurricane.
The bass from the stereo began to feel like a warm, benevolent fist gently massaging his internal organs. He looked out the window and the stationary cars didn't look angry anymore; they looked like brightly colored space capsules, each one a little world full of its own beautiful secrets.
He thought he had an epiphany regarding the true meaning of the yellow lane dividers—that they were actuall strips of divine guidance—and spent ten minutes explaining this in detail to a bewildered accountant in the BMW who had wandered over to the Civic with a bag of gourmet beef jerky.
When he took his final, massive, party-ending hit—a communal effort passed over from the minivan, which was now filled with college students and the aroma of pineapple smoke—it was too much.
His perception of his own body fractured. He wasn't sure if he was sitting or floating. He felt like his teeth were made of small, singing bells, and the realization that his belt was too tight sent him into a silent, internal crisis of existential discomfort.
"Okay, okay, I gotta go," Rex managed to slur, trying to find the door handle.
Cindy just smiled, her kaleidoscope glasses refracting the interior light. "Don't worry, man. The line hasn't moved. The party's still here."
"No," Rex whispered, feeling his consciousness detach from his skeleton. "I have to move. I have to..."
He tumbled out of the car and onto the hot asphalt shoulder. The sudden silence was deafening. The sunlight was a physical assault. Rex looked back at the rows of cars—now twelve deep, with people walking between them, sharing snacks, and exchanging deep philosophical arguments.
He staggered to his feet, feeling as if he were seven feet tall and five ounces heavy. He wobbled past the party, unable to deliver a single witty insult. His mocking energy was gone, replaced by a sense of profound, giggling wonder.
As he finally made it past the last car and stumbled onto the off-ramp grass, he heard the faint, distant sound of the party still pulsing behind him. He was higher than he had ever been—a true ascent, not a simple walk.
Rex looked back at the traffic jam, a monument to defiance and shared joy. He no longer saw a trap. He saw a fleet of immobile, celebratory ships.
He pulled his backpack onto his shoulders and began walking, staggering slightly, the sweet, heavy scent of marijuana and rebellion clinging to his clothes. He no longer felt free; he felt like a broadcast antenna, humming with the sublime, absurd realization that sometimes, the only way to beat the system is to stop moving and start a massive, illegal party in the middle of it.
He finally made it to his friend's apartment, knocked, and then immediately forgot why he was standing there, mistaking the doormat for a small, sleeping badger. The Great Commute Conspiracy was over for him, but the glorious, soaring high had just begun.
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